If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
