I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
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Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
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If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
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