He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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