Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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