I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
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I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
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Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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