Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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