And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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