I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
