i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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