just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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