Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
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