oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
