Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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