Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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