When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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