The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
