My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
