Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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