tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
