I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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