If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
i need some magic done to my vagina
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
