and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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