sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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