I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
