I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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