I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
