Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
