9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
