oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
She just used a chaser for red wine.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
