when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
