What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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