i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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