I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
