it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
