I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
never play flip cup with pint glasses
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
