I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
