I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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