Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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