i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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