Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
