I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
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