she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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