She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Randomize
