My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
