something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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