I'm jealous of your bromance
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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