Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
