There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
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