i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
