1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
