All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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