if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
