I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
