You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize