Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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