Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
