i think my mom watched the whole time
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
