i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
