she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
