How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
