dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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