True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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